Let me take a bit of a break in thinking (blogging?) about myself and turn to what matters more to me than any single thing in the world – friendship. To me, friendship covers the entire spectrum of love and includes the realms of family and all others who are important to me. In fact, friendship and those whom I hold close to my heart really are my family more than any other humans on this planet. However, when the ties of friendship are strained due to circumstances beyond my control the predominate feeling is of helplessness… in wanting to “be there” for my friends even though it’s sometimes just not possible.
My friend is going through a huge life crisis, probably larger than he’s willing to admit to me or perhaps even himself. Meanwhile, here I am in Austin, TX (currently) on my way headed west to California and having the time of my life along the way. My friend is hurting and far removed from my current reality and there’s not a darn thing I can do to help.
Because of this I feel helpless.
Losing my father in law earlier this month has made me begin re-evaluating what ‘family’ means. My FIL always treated me like a daughter even long before K1 and I were officially married. He assumed the role of grandfather to The Kidlet from the time he was 8 months old and there was never a single iota of difference I felt because we weren’t “blood” or married into the family, yet. I dare say that I was prehaps closer to my FIL than I’ve been to my own biological father in quite some time and his death is still something I haven’t completely processed. When the news came that he had passed I was in Alabama and helpless to help (hold? hug?) K1 who was home in Florida. I feel guilty for this yet strangely I recognize the importance of what feeling helplessness means:
It means I have the capacity to love and care deeply for my family and friends and am able to not just sympathise, but empathise.
I’m doing a lot of reflecting on this while I drive, which is why my friend’s situation hits so close to home – a family member of his is very ill and the future of his life (and quality therein) is uncertain. My friend is always the “strong one” for others in his life and it’s only under my insistence that he lets his guard down a little with me. He can’t be his own shoulder to cry on. I once again find myself feeling helpless and in a similar situation in less than one month’s time.
Being here I feel helpless – I can’t hug or comfort him as I would (and have done) with others. I can’t be the one to mitigate his emotions other than to do so from afar, across the interwebz, and on the phone.
I hate feeling this way, but I’ve come to the conclusion that this emotion means something more than it’s surface value – it means that I’m capable of caring about my friends on a deeply personal level and that the acknowledgement of such is a confirmation that I still remember how to care. In feeling helpless I’ve learned that I still remember how to be a good friend and that I’m making progress back to the place I want to be: Able to be a friend, love, care for, and treasure those in my life while not feeling as though I must sacrifice every part of who I am.
Feeling helpless sucks, but at least I’m feeling something, again. At least I’m seeing it for what it is – I’m not a lost cause, I can still love even when I’ve feared I might never love, again. I feel helpless, but at the same time I feel love – and I feel alive.
© 2011 – 2012, Krissi Bates-Billings. (CC BY-NC-ND 3.0) Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported
Comments are closed.