Tag Archives: bygones

Dear myself 20-years from now

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Writing about my life is in my blood – I started journalling when I was about 7 or 8 years old and have never stopped (even during ‘breaks’ from blogging, I’m still writing something, somewhere.) Back then my first journal was a red wide-ruled spiral-bound notebook in which I penned my thoughts using blue ink and cursive. My very first entry was an eight-line poem about a chair written in the middle of the night because I couldn’t sleep. The combination of insomnia, writing about my life and needing to solidify it in ‘black and white’ is as natural to me as breathing and stretches far into my past – and I hope, far into my future (sans insomnia, of course!)

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Clear as Mud

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“He has to be dead to you. Dead. Incinerated, in this case. DEAD.”

(“There’s no way I’ll be able to do it alone, I’m telling you now, I can’t.”)

I know I can’t or maybe I know I won’t because the potential trust I longed for seemed to be right there within reach – but it was equally as reliable as the mind-numbing anguish that came hand-in-hand. I became a catalyst for my own self-destruction even after realizing through tried and true (and dutifully proven, repeatedly,) evidence that “it” would never change. Yet..

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Protected: [my] inability to create closure

Folder-Private-icon Less than 3% of the more than 3,200 blog posts I have written since 1999 are private and password-protected. You and the entire interwebz can read pleanty of TMI about me on the blog (password-free!) because only my most private (and often-times personal only-written-for-me thoughts) are protected. You can request the password from me by using the contact form on the Connect Page, however, if I keep things mum and the password never leaves my keyboard, please know its nothing personal.
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Music Monday: She Makes War

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A year ago this week Phil and I took our first road-trip together to Austin, TX for SXSW 2011. Phil flew in to Tampa from the UK and off we drove to spend a few days in a car together. We live-streamed our trip, took stupidly goofy pictures, managed to put up with the other’s minor annoyances (Phil’s socks! My bad texting while driving habit!) and listened to each other’s favorite music. There was one song in particular that we found ourselves listening to over and over – ‘Scared to Capsize‘ by She Makes War - and after listening to the angst-y, pure and sweet voice of Laura Kidd, I was kinda hooked. It also helped that Phil said, as he played it the first time, “this is totally your song, Krissi,” and he was right – it was perfect for that moment and for the rest of the moments in 2011.

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Wretched

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My life has been wretched. Life, itself, has been mean and hardly ever more than miserable in one way or another. Lately I’ve had a solid “what I don’t have,” instead of “what I do have,” disposition, so let’s cut the crap and get down and gritty with reality. My reality – the one that isn’t so perfect, the one where I can’t take my sweet mother’s words, (“you make your own happiness…”) and force them to be applicable, the one that has been wretched.

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