It’s a nightmare all over again. I’m dazed in madness… again, again, again. I either keep making the same mistakes or I keep misunderstanding how others interpret my actions or words. Somehow my words written in digital black and white, flat and void of emotion, translate into opportunities for assumptions to be made, applications of past and present personas – not mine – to be superimposed on what I have actually said, TYPED, in ‘Arial Narrow.’
“He has to be dead to you. Dead. Incinerated, in this case. DEAD.”
(“There’s no way I’ll be able to do it alone, I’m telling you now, I can’t.”)
I know I can’t or maybe I know I won’t because the potential trust I longed for seemed to be right there within reach – but it was equally as reliable as the mind-numbing anguish that came hand-in-hand. I became a catalyst for my own self-destruction even after realizing through tried and true (and dutifully proven, repeatedly,) evidence that “it” would never change. Yet..
Less than 3% of the more than 3,200 blog posts I have written since 1999 are private and password-protected. You and the entire interwebz can read pleanty of TMI about me on the blog (password-free!) because only my most private (and often-times personal only-written-for-me thoughts) are protected. You can request the password from me by using the contact form on the Connect Page, however, if I keep things mum and the password never leaves my keyboard, please know its nothing personal. 
Today I’m disheartened by what’s going on at Seesmic. For any long-time reader of my blog(s) you’ll know just how important Seesmic has been in my life. In fact, Seesmic has been the very cornerstone of my online (and offline) social interaction in the past 6 years. I’ve met some of the most wonderful, genuine, and amazing people because of Seesmic and it kills me to stand by and continue watching its slow death.
A year ago and a betrayal followed by an unfair scorning that lead to my burning everything to the ground to save someone else. A judgement unfairly placed without the chance to explain. Accepting blame not mine to preserve the innocence of three potential inheritances of the crossfire . Blinding anger. Searing pain. Aloneness. Ever-present aloneness, deeply rooted in self-sacrifice for all the wrong reasons. Scars on my forearm, less noticeable to me than the scars I can barely hide from you. Hate. Pity. Loss. Nothing to fight for. Everything and yet nothingness to lash out, fight out, scream out.. give up, give in, surrender.
I'm a traveler of places & an adventurer of emotions. I converse with the world through social media & communicate with humankind through open-mindedness. I advocate for what I believe is right & embrace possibitarianism. I'm an optimistic realist & I learn more about myself the more I understand about others. I'm a giver of endless second chances & the wearer of a shirt-sleeve heart. I'm a reveler in chaos & I love my own idealistic, unwavering hopefulness that one day I'll figure myself out.
In my life I've been 180° and back again & I'm ever-aware of what I have yet to learn...
© 2000 - 2012 - Life on the #Flipside 
