It’s a nightmare all over again. I’m dazed in madness… again, again, again. I either keep making the same mistakes or I keep misunderstanding how others interpret my actions or words. Somehow my words written in digital black and white, flat and void of emotion, translate into opportunities for assumptions to be made, applications of past and present personas – not mine – to be superimposed on what I have actually said, TYPED, in ‘Arial Narrow.’
“He has to be dead to you. Dead. Incinerated, in this case. DEAD.”
(“There’s no way I’ll be able to do it alone, I’m telling you now, I can’t.”)
I know I can’t or maybe I know I won’t because the potential trust I longed for seemed to be right there within reach – but it was equally as reliable as the mind-numbing anguish that came hand-in-hand. I became a catalyst for my own self-destruction even after realizing through tried and true (and dutifully proven, repeatedly,) evidence that “it” would never change. Yet..
A year ago and a betrayal followed by an unfair scorning that lead to my burning everything to the ground to save someone else. A judgement unfairly placed without the chance to explain. Accepting blame not mine to preserve the innocence of three potential inheritances of the crossfire . Blinding anger. Searing pain. Aloneness. Ever-present aloneness, deeply rooted in self-sacrifice for all the wrong reasons. Scars on my forearm, less noticeable to me than the scars I can barely hide from you. Hate. Pity. Loss. Nothing to fight for. Everything and yet nothingness to lash out, fight out, scream out.. give up, give in, surrender.
Never in my life has my online presence been so uncomfortable and painful that I needed to be change and be ‘someone else’ to escape (albeit temporarily) into an alternate unreality. But the cumulative events in my ‘real life’ as well as my ‘online life’ during 2011, in particular from March through December, brought me to my knees – figuratively, emotionally, and psychologically. I broke completely in half for the first time in my life and I felt like I couldn’t even reach out and grasp onto any level of sanity. Enter LullabyGrrl: the temporary stand-in to represent “me” while I was incapable of being… me.
00:30 “Focus on what I do have..” > 無
I’ve been doing that my entire life.. but ya know what? Neglecting to focus on what I DON’T HAVE is catching up. It may be the least positive thing to do, but it’s time figure out what to do about the ever-increasing weight of “nothing,” of that old “what I don’t have”. I’m angry, sad, and.. alone. Alone in my head and with my thoughts.
I'm a traveler of places & an adventurer of emotions. I converse with the world through social media & communicate with humankind through open-mindedness. I advocate for what I believe is right & embrace possibitarianism. I'm an optimistic realist & I learn more about myself the more I understand about others. I'm a giver of endless second chances & the wearer of a shirt-sleeve heart. I'm a reveler in chaos & I love my own idealistic, unwavering hopefulness that one day I'll figure myself out.
In my life I've been 180° and back again & I'm ever-aware of what I have yet to learn...
© 2000 - 2012 - Life on the #Flipside 
