When Formspring launched I created an account and started answering random questions from both my virtual (and IRL) friends and anonymous strangers. After a little while I forgot about Formspring until recently when a new conversation sparked. Over the last few weeks I’ve received a few really good questions that resulted in blog-worthy answers. The following first of two posts sums up, in a nutshell, my general philosophy about life (and living!) with less-than-perfect kidneys.
Krissi Bates-Billings grew up in rural southeastern Colorado on her family’s fourth-generation crop farm. Geek tech (not including tractors and hay-balers) was in very short supply “in the sticks,” but Krissi was lucky enough to have a computer in her home. She began her path toward being a future geek when she taught herself Basic on her dad’s Tandy TRS-80.
I’m a whole mess of jumbled thoughts, and I can’t quite bring even one cohesive set of words together about any one topic.
I have a headache. I didn’t get enough sleep. My brother is having a baby (ok, his wife is, and so far I haven’t heard if Nugget has arrived or not)… my little brother. I feel old – My brother just turned 29 and my own son is eight years old (that makes me… 32.) I’m getting married (for the second time) in two months and two days. So much left to do with the planning and executing of everything. If Elaine were here… well, she was the party planner. Elaine’s birthday is Monday – she would’ve been 33. She was right there with me, with my family, through the last of my slow decline into kidney failure, for nearly four years of dialysis and then steadfast in the year following my transplant. What would I have done without her? I have the scars to prove my journey of kidney disease across my abdomen (the transplant) and running the length of my right arm (hemodialysis.) My right arm, neck, shoulder and back hurt – caused initially by years of hemodialysis, but continuously aggravated by the fact that I’m right-handed and I can’t exactly NOT use that side of my body (hello, to write? type? eat?) The constant pain is just… undeniable and no longer one of those things I can pretend not to notice. A lot of things are like that (I can’t pretend to not notice them anymore) – I have a functioning kidney, so I no longer have to prioritize staying alive (kidney failure) over arm pain. I also can’t seem to prioritize my emotional well-being over people who are hurting me. I’m defenseless to stop them and seemingly unable (or too stupid) to prevent myself from allowing them to hurt me. Although, I do admit to allowing the drama of it all to draw me in, when I should be laughing, instead. I don’t do well with unanswered questions, unspoken words and things left up in the air. Even apologizing doesn’t always work – Friendship is SO important to me, and I’m failing (and flailing). I’ve tried and failed more than once this year to open up, be myself, reach out – and I’m rejected. I’ve even managed to lose one of my best (furry) friends. Meanwhile, I go about rejecting myself by my recent employment (sorry, no link about that, I’m keeping mum) that is shameful to my professional profile. I’m ashamed of my job/status/position and what I’m doing. I hate lowering myself. I also hate nit-picky people who write about annoying things.
Not often do two major parts of my life (international adoption and kidney disease) cross paths, but this news article out of Canada speaks to my heart (and kidney) in more than one way.
Read more on Babies adopted from China may need Kidney Testing…
I'm a traveler of places & an adventurer of emotions. I converse with the world through social media & communicate with humankind through open-mindedness. I advocate for what I believe is right & embrace possibitarianism. I'm an optimistic realist & I learn more about myself the more I understand about others. I'm a giver of endless second chances & the wearer of a shirt-sleeve heart. I'm a reveler in chaos & I love my own idealistic, unwavering hopefulness that one day I'll figure myself out.
In my life I've been 180° and back again & I'm ever-aware of what I have yet to learn...
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